Americanized Me

I realized although my bloodline indicate that I am full Khmer, my personality and characteristic proven that I am not. This is what I mean.

Americanized me who walk on Cambodia soil so fearless and carefree. I am very independent and like to go or do thing on my own; at times this challenges and/or creates conflict with Cambodian culture. They are overprotected of me my relatives. One time my cousin Thon explained to me that Cambodian actress nowadays have body guards to protect them. I laugh and told him that I have a body guard with me everywhere I go as well. Although he did not get the joke, at times I feel trap and don’t have any privacy. For example, my aunt makes sure that my cousin is with me everywhere I go and he would wait for me too! Sometime when I go to the villages, my aunt's husband would also go with me! So in a way I do have my own body guard to protect me!

Americanized me always wearing hamlet especially riding my bike. Most Cambodians don’t wear hamlet while driving a motorcycle. The thought of wearing a hamlet while riding a bike is asinine. Besides, it makes you stand out as either silly in my case or foreigner as those of you with blond hair and blue eyes.

Americanized me would bring toilet paper with me everywhere I go and only use western toilet type style. Cambodians don’t wipe their butt, they wash them. In all the restroom I been in so far in Phnom Penh has a small shower head near the toilet so you can wash with it once you done doing your thing. Of course after living in the states for almost 20 years, I’m used to wiping my butt and with papers. Therefore, I would have to bring toilet paper with me everywhere. Besides, in the rural country side there is no toilet! You have to find your own place to do your business. I don’t think wiping with leaves would help.

Americanized me talk back to authority figure. In America we are taught to challenges teachers, professors and any authority figures towards ours believes, desires and choices. However, in Cambodia this could get you in trouble and even get you kill. During the water and moon festival early this month, both of my aunts from my parents’ sides, one of my cousin and me were setting on a nice soft green grass along with 50 something others Cambodians. We were enjoying our mango and fry banana on a stick. Meanwhile, an annoying high pitch noise and a young police man was yelling at us to get off the grass. So I said with a sassy attitude in Khmer of course, “Excuse me, there is no need to talk to us that way. We are leaving. It is your fault for not putting up a sign that say ‘no setting on the grass’ we can read you know. Otherwise, we won’t bother to set here.” Everyone was in shock! Their eyes were wide open and mouth drop as I said that. However, the police continue to harass the next victim and we continue to find another grass spot to sit.

Americanized me with my big sunglasses which cover almost my entire face and wear a t-shirt that said ‘I love Cambodia’ make me stand out as someone with a lot of money from the Cambodians’ perspectives of Americans. The matter of fact is I’m under the false consciousness of wanting to be in the middle class society. Therefore, I take out thousands of students loans just like many of my graduate colleagues to fulfill the American dream of the middle class life style through higher education. However, the truth is, by the time I’m done with my Master, I will be in thousands of dollars in debt. How does this help my image of desire to be in the middle class group when decades later I still continue to pay off my student loans!

Americanized me hanging out with the boys and want to be treated equally with them. My father told my aunt the other day that in America, we have female pilots, doctors, lawyers and mechanics. Women here are treated equal to men more than Cambodia he stresses while trying to teach my aunt why I’m so different from Cambodians in Cambodia.

Although there are pros and cons of how Americanize I am, there are some traits in me that show I am Cambodian such as my features. Today my Khmer teacher was teaching us how to say color in Khmer. He explained the word for full Khmer skin tone is called ‘tan.’ Few Korean and Japanese were trying to claims that they were tan but he pointed out to me, “No, this is tan.” Everyone look at me and said, “Ohhhh.”

The dance struggle that I been battling with myself of who I am and fitting into this so called my root, my people I thought, in a way is not accepting me. In some way I do want to be accepted but other times I just like being the way I am. So I continue to pick and choose my battle of when to be American and when to be Cambodian.