Whiteness is Beauty:

Wednesday: October 21

Everywhere I go, I try to fit in or at least understand one’s culture. From my Peace Corps experience, I learned that in order to be accepted into a community one must be willing to become as part of the community. In other words, dress, eat and talk like the new society. However, there are certain things that one cannot fully change and that are how they look.

Ever since I arrived I been fighting with the beauty of whiteness. To be honest, I am starting to slowly influence by this idea of whiteness being define as a beauty. When people see my photo album, they would comments on how pretty my sister is or how tall she is. What I mean is how white she is. The whiter you are the beautiful you appear. They would comments on how I look pretty in pictures but not in real person. They always say negative stuff about my beauty. For example, when my relative meets me for the first time they said, “Wow! Why are you so dark? Or why are you so short?”

As the oldest out of four younger siblings, I am the smallest and shortest. I thinks it has to do with the fact that I was born and raised in a refugee camps where malnutrition is normal. Going back to whiteness, I am the darkest as well in my family. So everyone feel sorry for me for my dark skin and for my shortness.
I started to feel sorry for myself as well. It is such a powerful impact when the behavior of the new society is appearing to be normal or accepting. So I also try to buy white cream and go to spas that whiten my face at least once a week. Before I used to not care of what people think but every person by far is shock of my golden brown skin and comments on how I need a makeover! In regards to my body there is no way I would turn my whole body to white. Everyone here who has money would go to the spa at least three times a week to whiten their whole body like Michael Jackson. I just want my face to be even color.

When it comes to beauty everyone is honest, only if your dark skin. I had to ask my fiancé to tell my relative to not make me white. They truly want me to be white and were willing to take me to the spa and turn me white. Am I that of a bad looking? Is my skin really that ugly? My darkness when in the state appears to be a beauty but here is ugliness. As much as I tell myself is just a culture thing it still impact my thoughts and wishful thinking.

The girls or women here want to be light as Chinese, Korean and Thai actress they see on T.V. These countries have a big influence on how girls and women should look like. Surprisingly, American is not as a big impact as I would think. They watch Chinese, Korean and Thai movie a lot. They want to look like these movies starts with their skinny bone body and peal as a ghost skin color. They are whiter than most American. Therefore, these countries appear to be beautiful and wealthy. In Cambodia the different ethnic Asian group gets treated differently depends on their country. China gets the most respect and considers being very beautiful people. Dispute the conflict with Thai and Cambodia, Thai actress consider being beautiful and admirable as well. No words on wanting to be like American or western country yet.

Besides becoming white, the women here are very skinny body build. They like to keep thin and slim. They don’t like to be tone or appear with muscle because it shows that they are to manly. They want to keep as tiny as possible. I’m not used to being a large or X-large size. In the state I am a small or extra-small size. I am 4’10 and ½ on a good day and 105 pound. In Cambodian standard I am overweight. So this really messes up my whole self-esteem. Now I am considering being overweight since the norm here are very skinny and tiny to American standard. Now,I would go to the store and ask for a large size pants or shirt. It is a strange feeling since I have always been a size small. All suddenly over night, I am a large or X-large! I’m not use to this new idea. So I started to think that I am fat and would eat less rice more veggies and fishes. In a way it is good and healthy diet. However, if I am in the state, people would think I’m skinny and need to eat more. In other words, I am having a hard time adjusting to this new idea of beauty physically in Cambodia.

On adventure to find mom only sister left

October 17, 2009

Before I left for Cambodia, my father gave me a small piece of paper with my aunt from my mother side address to her village on the front page. On the back, he wrote how much money each person should get, which he sent with me to give.

I have wanted to meet my aunt from my mother side for awhile now. Since my mother have not spoken or see her only sister who is alive for more than 30 years, I figure what a great gift would it be if I can make this happen. However, every time I tried to go visit or find her, my aunt family from my father side said it is too dangerous. Since this is a rainy season’s month, they heard story that Prey Veng which is the province of my mother birth place and where her current sister live is flooded. Therefore, the road is in bad condition. How do you know the road is in bad condition? Have you been there? How do you know? I asked with frustration.

So my furious and curious side decided to just go. When I did decided to go, everyone else wanted to go too. You see, I am not the only one who has never been to Prey Veng, my two aunts, one of my aunt husband and their eldest son have never been there as well. So they all decided to come along.

Prey Veng Province is about 80 to 100 km from Phnom Penh. So it shouldn’t take that long to go to my aunt house. The most is three hours car drive to her village. The five of us drove in a mini 4 runner, which have air condition that kept us nice and cool. Everyone was excited. I pack few bottle of water, toilet paper and some fruits. Everyone look at me strangely. I told them that I am used to traveling especially to far rural places. Since I can’t drink regular water I need to pack some with me. I’m not sure if people in the village use toilet paper to wipe either but I wanted to be prepared. Everyone thought it was very smart of me for being prepare for the trip. They blame it on the fact that I have travel a lot to various countries which mean I must know how to travel as well.

Two hours later we made it to the ferry station. This only took us about half an hour to cross the river. While waiting to get on to the ferry, I was amazed with the various foods being sold on the street. The sale person would come to the window show me their products or food and ask if I would like to buy some. I said no. Then they say, "How much would you want it? I can lower the price for you." So I end up buying some food to eat and to bring them to my aunt and her daughters. Some of the sale person is young. I bought the food because I thought about my aunt and her four girls. If I buy food from these young girls is like helping out my aunt. What if one of these girls is my cousin or these women happen to be my aunt? I just don’t know because I have never met her. All I know she is very poor and is raising four girls on her own.

The easy part was over. Now, we have to travel to the town and go into deeper part of the villages. We stop in the mid day to eat lunch at Prey Veng center. Meanwhile, my uncle went to ask the local people of our next destination. It goes like this, “Just look for the tall antenna and a big tree. Then you will be in the town.” I am used to this method since Costa Rican has similar way of finding people houses. Of course those in the city are unfamiliar with this method. My aunt’s husband wanted to get to the right place so he asks, “What is the name of the road? What Address? The local people respond with confusing look, “What Name? What road? You’re kidding me right?” It is hard to find people with no sense of direction or address. You depend on trees, houses and buildings as a landmark. My aunt does not know that we are coming. There is no way of contacting her. All we have is a little piece of paper with her address from many years ago.

The search took us for another 4 to 5 hours. We would stop in every little town and villages. I felt the whole time we were going in circle. It was getting dark, I was determined to at least see my aunt and where she lives if I can’t stay and spend time with her. Dispute the long adventure search; I fell in love with Prey Veng country side. It is true like people had been saying, the water cover some of the houses and roads. I was fascinated with the country side houses. They are built tall. What I mean is that the house would have six legs which support it. The legs are tall as 6ft to 10ft from the ground. The reason is obvious, in case the village is flooded, the house would be above the water. The roof and wall of the house are made out of thatches and bamboos. To think about it, it reminds me of the time my father built our house out of bamboos in one of the refugees’ camps we lived.

Along the roads, miles of endless water cover the rice peddles farmers, cows, and ox, children, and palm trees. The palm trees have coconuts not like Californian. The fresh cool wind would blow my hair as I rolled down the window to smell the various plants and animals poops.

Every stop we made it would take us about 10 to 15 minutes to chat and ask for direction. I think we stop more than 15 times. It is hard to find my aunt house since there is no address or phone number to contact her. What if we get there and she does not live there anymore? We left at 8:30am and now it is 7:00pm.

Finally, almost twelve hours later we found my aunt village. This is how it happen, “Excuse me, would you know a woman name Chanton? No one seems to know. Except a local nurse who heard that name before. He said, "Chanton is in the United State but Chantol her sister live here." I told him Chanton is my mother name. With excitement of knowing someone heard of her or my mother. So we follow him through the cow road as they called it. The road is cover with cow and bulls foot prints and water. The red dirt roads prevent us to go any faster or smother as we would like too.

The week or day before I went and search for my aunt, people would ask where I am going this weekend. I would tell them that I am going to Prey Veng. They were shock and said, “Why? It is such a poor province.” When we arrived to my aunt village, they were right. I have never see such poverty or poor condition as I saw tonight. The village was so rural that the government has not provided them street lights or even electricity in the village. I was not sure who is who. It was too dark inside and outside. Everyone said they were my aunts and cousins. The only aunt I looked for was not found. The bamboo thatch house has no light not even a candle to light. One of the lady said she is my aunt. To make sure I called my mother from the state. My mother did not want to talk with her and asked where her sister is. So the lady said, “Your aunt does not live here anymore. She lived in the center of Prey Veng.” I said with anger, “Why did you kick her out or treat her very badly?” Once I finish saying this, someone yelled in the dark saying, "So what if we did?

My feelings were mix and unsure of how to handle the situation. The lady who claims to be my aunt is my mother step sister. Just like the Cinderella story, my mother and her sister was treated badly by their step mother and sisters growing up. I haven’t heard the whole story but I know my gut tell me that it was not right and that I need to get out of there right away. I think my relatives has the same feelings. We try to come up with an excuse to leave as soon as possible. The step mother and daughters along with their family have asked us to spend the night. I was not sure where they have in mind for us to sleep but in the small no light thatch house, it is impossible. Beside, anyone that my mother does not like means bad news.

Before we left, I make sure to get my aunt contact information. At first they said they don’t know. Then I told them that my mother is very ill and all she ask for is to hear her sister voice. So they tell me where she lives and even a contact number where I can get a hold of her. However, they don’t know the phone number. I have to go to another village to get it if I wanted it. They wanted me to go alone with some guy they claim to be my step cousin. I said no, I will wait here in the car. The local nurse was nice enough to go and get it for me. About twenty minutes later the local nurse came with a contact phone number.

However, those twenty minutes was not easy. The steps siblings constantly ask us to stay and money. Someone yell out, “Some of our neighbors have family in the US and they would send them money so they can build a house. All we ask for is $7,000.” I started too worried for my safety and wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. They would cover me like flies and touch me everywhere. I was so uncomfortable that I end up waiting in the car where it was hot. I rather be in the hot car than touch by people I don’t even know.

We left right away once we got the phone number. The step siblings would try to make us feel bad by saying, “You came to visit auntie and grandma yet you are in a hurry to leave? This really hurt. Do you know how much you hurt me?” I thought to myself but also end up saying it out loud, “I came here to look for my aunt, you’re not my aunt.” She replied, “Even though I am not your mother sister, I still have some of the same blood.” Then I realized talking with these people like this won't work. So I talked to them nicely and told them that I will visit again when I am on break from school. I think they somewhat believes me because they end up letting us go.

With the guide from the local nurse, we manage to get out of the village safely. The whole night coming back to Phnom Penh, we talked about our adventure and my mother step siblings. I found out that I was not the only one who was scared and worried. My relatives were also concerns for their safely and especially my. We did not get back to Phnom Penh until 11:30pm! Now, they have a crazy story to tell our neighbors and relatives. Over all, I had a great time seeing my mother province, met people who hurt her as a child, got lost in the country side and spending time with my father siblings. There is nothing more than I can ask for this memorable adventure day.

A Birthday Wish Came True

October 15, 2009

I never really had a birthday celebration which involved all family members. Although my parents and siblings were not here for my birthday celebration, I had the opportunity to celebrate with my grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins who I have never met and known until now.

The food was prepared since last night. Everyone and anyone were at our house helping to prepare the various Cambodian dishes. They made papaya salad, red curry chicken and roasted duck. Everyone in the house had a duty except for me. Each family was assigned to prepare a dish. In the backyard one of our neighbors was pilling-out duck fur, cutting it open, cleaning out the inside and collecting it blood. Meanwhile in our house, five women were busy making sauce for the salad, adding variety of vegetable in the salad, cutting herbs, and cooking pork. I walked around taking pictures of everyone actions and duties in preparing for the party.
The birthday party did not start until 7:00pm. I thought it was going to start around 3:00pm in the afternoon. However, my uncle friends will not arrive until the evenings because they need extra time to get ready from work. So we all patiently waited for my uncles’ friends to arrived.

Everyone, I mean the women finish cooking around noon-ish and went home to get ready for the party. One of my female cousin asked if I wanted to get my hair and make-up done. I told her not to worry I should be fine. Everyone insist that I should at least look nice for the guests. I’m thinking what guest? The only guests should be is our family, I thought. However, I forgot about my uncle friends, whom I don’t really care to say the truth. My uncle wanted to network and bring his friends to the party so he can show me off to them, his niece from America.

Around 3:00 in the afternoon I went down stair to look for my elder female cousin who was going to take me to the beauty salon. Unfortunately, she left without me because her toddler was crying. One of my neighbors who love to do make-up and hair insists that she make me look all pretty. All of the females from all ages came over to her house to watch her give me a makeover. Since white seem to be the dominate skin tone, I make sure that my face does not look white as a ghost!

Two hours later, my hair is curl up. My face is cover with light foundation, fake eyes lashes, roses’ cheeks and pink lips. At first my face was too white; I had to tell my neighbor to tone it up. Once I was all dolls up, everyone politely tells me that I look very pretty. I am not sure if they said that because it is my birthday or because the make-up artist would beat them up if they say something negative.
You’re supposed to wear a dress for your birthday party said one of my aunts. I wear a jean with a blouse. I told my aunt that I am comfortable with the outfit and a dress make me sweat and it is hot.

I make sure my equipments for the party was all set up. My video camera was charge since last night and I charge my camera this morning. I had my two male cousins be the camera and video guys. Unfortunately, the youngest brother did not know how to use the camera. After many times of teaching him on how to use the camera, he still does not know how to use it. Meanwhile, I had him be in charge so he can learn. However, tonight after going over the pictures, I am disappointed that he took such few pictures and most are not that great. I haven’t seen my video yet. I can’t determine if the eldest brother was a good video person.

The evening was full of people I don’t know and yet most are my relatives. The evening goes like this; first you serve the guests all of the dishes and drinks. All various generations of cousins were working and hosting the guests, I would walked around each table with my two hands together towards my nose and bow to show respect and honor of them coming to my birthday party. Once my uncle’s guests were done eating, my aunts, cousins and I was allowed to eat. Then those who serves such as my cousins and his friends were allow eating. By then the food was almost gone.

In between the serving and hosting, there was a cake cutting moment. This is very similar to western way of cutting a birthday cake. However, the only difference is that I would have to cut the cake and give them to first my grandma the eldest person and it goes on to the youngest aunts/uncles. While I hand them the cake, they say a little wishes and hopes for the next coming year. Each person had to say something to bless me.

Before the cake cutting, they would sing, “Happy birthday to you” song in English. Then those are around me have some kind of fire lighter in their hands and stuff to throw with when I do blow out the candles. The cake is very small, enough to serve about five people. However, the point is that they got me a birthday cake and threw me a party. Once the cake cutting is done, everyone started to dance. There were a lot of dances moving in circles and the steps are very similar to salsa dancing. The steps I’m familiar with. After have live in Costa Rica for two years, I pick up some salsa. So I did not have a difficultly learning to dance Khmer.
I had a great times laughing, dancing, eating and talking with grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins. This is my first birthday which I got to spend with my relatives and also the first time to live in a country where my relatives are close by. I did not ask for any present because being there with their present is enough. I wouldn’t want any money or gifts from them because I know how hard they work to earn just a few dollars a week or day. I truly think everyone had a great time as well because they talked about it the next day of how fun the dancing and singing was throughout the night and the various delicious foods being serves last night. This is a birthday will always remember and cherish.

Meeting Grandma for the First Time!

For 26th years I waited for this moment. Growing up without aunts, uncles, cousins and even grandparents was different in America. Today, I finally met my grandmother from my father side. She is the only grandparents I have left. Her husband passes away two years ago. My mother side, her father passed away more than five years ago. Her mother died when she was about five years old.

My only grandmother alive is about 80 years old. She has wrinkles all over her body and walk very slowly. She limp as she walk and her back bent a little. She is also in pain but pleasant to be around. It was a surprise that grandma came to visit. When I talked to her last week she was not sure when she will be coming. Last night she called my cousin Thon and told him that she is on her way to Phnom Penh. She seems to not make plan like most Cambodians here. If she feels like visiting and the conditions seem ok, she just buy a bus ticket and go. She travels far for an old lady. One of my oldest aunts came with her as well. I learned a new word today, tomp, which means older aunt. Since this aunt is older than my father she is called tomp instead of aunt. It means the same thing in English but is different in Khmer.



When I went to meet my grandma I was nervous and excited. It took us about half an hour drive to get to the bus station. The traffic prevents us to go any faster then we would like to. We made it to the bus station on time for her arrival. As the bus passed by right away, I can tell which one is my grandma. As I waited for all the motorcycles and tuk tuk driver fighting over customers, I took out my camera and started to take pictures. One of the worker asked why I am taking pictures. I replied, “I am taking a picture of my grandma. I am meeting her for the first time.” He let me continue to take pictures. He thought I was a reporter, if so I could not take pictures.



As grandma approach towards the door I walked slowly to meet her half way. She was one of the last people to get out of the bus. I made eyes contact with her and hug and hug and more long hugs. We cry and hug for awhile. This was very emotional moment for me. I guess it is for her too. I saw tears falling down my aunt cheeks as well. While grandma and I hug, she said, “Granddaughter for many years I haven’t met or known you. Grandma misses you.” So I had a good cry. We looked at each other and smile with tears while waiting for my other aunt and cousin getting the stuff out of the bus.

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Grandma brought a lot of goodies. She had about four large bags of fruits and food that she made from home. There were at least four different types of fruits that she brought from home. I thought to myself, “Wow grandma house must be very pretty and in the jungle. She said the fruits are from her backyard and the traditional Cambodian food she made them the night before yesterday.

Once we got home is a whole new story. Everyone and anyone that I have seen or have not met come to greet my grandma as if she is a famous person. Most of the Khmer Krom which is my father side all live nearby and know each other very well. So when the news spread it spread throughout Phnom Penh! It must be very exhausting for her to have travel more than 12 hours at night to come to visit. She did not seen tired or at least she hind it very well. She greets people as they come to say hello with fruits and food. They all are from her home town and it appears they love her cooking too. So they eat the fruits and chat with her for a little bit while the next person in line waiting patiently to see her. I watch carefully every detail of grandma interaction with others for at least a good hour. Meanwhile, I took a lot of pictures. The greeting continues until 3:00 in the afternoon. We went to pick her up around 11:00am!



Grandma and I have so much catching up to do. So I started with my pictures album. First pictures she wanted to see is my handsome fiancé! I show a lot of pictures of Eric and me. She thought that I have a lot of fiance because Eric seems to look different in all of the pictures. I had to tell her many times that it is the same person since we been together for four years now, each pictures is taken in different time of our lives. Then she understood and said, “Your fiancé is very handsome and tall too.” I just smile and agree with her. She asks if I miss him. I told her of course. So she counts the days for Eric arrival just like me!

Grandma is sad for my mother health and glad that there are program in America to take care of her condition. She is happy to see my father is no longer skinny. She said, “You father have some meat in him.” I told her my father does not drink or smoke anymore. He quiets everything for more than three years now. All he does take care of mom, walk the dog and does his work in the garden. She said my mother was once very beautiful until now that she is ill. She also would like to share some pictures with me when I visit her in Vietnam.



Grandma like all of my relatives who I have share the photos with is very impress with my life story and proud of all the accomplishments I have made. Grandma echo from what one of my aunt said, “No one in our family has ever study as high as you. This is why I am very proud of you.” Grandma also treats me like a princess just like everyone else. I am not sure what the reasons maybe but I’m starting to like it?? :) It is usually the other way around. I always have to take care of my family. I am very independent which sometime crash with their culture. Here, my relatives take care of me. They make sure I am safe, well feed,and get my school work done. If I need some space, all I have to say is I am studying. They respect that.



They value education like I do. The difference is that I am able to grant them because in America public education is free. If I want to continue I can with hard work of course. In Cambodia, they have to pay for education. Most of the time, people with money is able to send their kid to public school. I hope to help these poor children with education in any way that I can one day. If they are well educated,maybe the history of Khmer Rouge era won't exist again??

Article on me from SAS, while visiting Singapore

Link from the website: http://alumni.sas.edu.sg/?page=Sept09visitors

September 29, 2009: Today we had a very special visitor: Yenly Thach, 26, a Cambodian-American pursuing her masters at the University of California-Santa Barbara, is not an SAS alum, but she has a connection to Kendra Payne '02, an alum whose memory we celebrate on the Timeline Wall in the Memory Garden. Kendra was killed in 2006 while doing cycling training for a triathlon. Kendra's memory and her love for sports is celebrated at SAS with an annual biathlon in her name. Yenly has been awarded the Kendra Payne Memorial Foundation Scholarship established by Kendra's parents, Rick and Patricia Chiota Payne. You can read more of Yenly's story here.

Yenly was on her way to start a six-month research project in Cambodia, and had a short stopover in Singapore. Having met Kendra's parents several times, Yenly was keen to learn more about Singapore and about Kendra's life at SAS. We arranged for Yenly to meet Therese Vainius '11 and Ted Chritton '10, both powerful athletes and last year's winners of the Kendra Payne Memorial Biathlon.



Yenly also met with Athletic Director Mimi Molchan, who runs the biathlon each year and fondly remembers Kendra and her love for sports. Ms. Molchan tells Kendra's story to all the biathlon participants each year, and says that it is quite an emotional event for the participants. She was pleased to meet Yenly, who is carrying on another one of Kendra's passions: helping women in developing countries. Yenly and Ms. Molchan pose with Communications Director Beth Gribbon, who very kindly opened her home to Yenly during her two day visit to Singapore. The three ladies are pictured next to Kendra's memorial plaque in the SAS Memory Garden. Yenly loved Kendra's quote, picked out by Kendra's parents: "If anything is worth doing, do it with all your heart." She felt that it was something she lived by as well.



Our last stop with Yenly was to meet two special freshman at SAS, Rathana and Cherry Amelio. These ladies joined SAS in middle school. They had attended one of the Amelio schools in rural Cambodia, and joined the Amelio family in Singapore, where they will stay at SAS until they graduate. Both Rathana and Cherry are very involved at SAS, and getting used to the different rigors and pace of the high school. They were eager to hear about Yenly's story, and were surprised when they realized that she was Cambodian, but had never been to Cambodia. Yenly was very impressed with both girls, and said she imagined they'd have a very bright future. As they left the high school office, all three agreed to keep in touch via facebook. Yenly's visit reminded us just how interconnected the world is. Thank you for visiting Yenly, and for celebrating Kendra's spirit through your research in Cambodia. We'll continue to celebrate her memory here too!

Anything you need, we got it

You can find about anything you need or want with the tip of your finger in Phnom Penh. For example, today my cousin and I went to a book store. In front of the book store, which attached to other stores on both side of endless line of stores, there are a few little sheets plastic seal stands. They have a ready stand with their heat up equipment. So I bought two maps, one is a world map and the other is a map of Cambodia. I wanted to share with my relatives of where my parents live and all the countries I have worked study and travel to.

The late age teenager with his grandpa together put the plastic sheets over one of the map. They cut the sheet very detail until all sizes are even. Once its complete, they heat the plastic sheet from both sides until it tightly melt together. Two maps, it took about an hour and half for them to complete. It cost almost nothing. So I gave them $4 for their hard work and well done job. My cousin told me if they get lucky, some days they made about $10 for that day. But you need to take the cost for daily maintain and getting the materials and supplies into consideration as well.
I don’t know what it is but I tend to want to help everyone and in any way that I can. I don’t really need to have a plastic cover sheet over my maps but I figure why not help the old man and his grandson for their hard work and so little pay.


I tend to also stand out. I’m not sure if how I walk, talk or look but is obvious that I am not from here. So far, I have met many good Khmer people from all age level and ethnics. I try to help them by using their mini business whatever that may be. While waiting for my map to be done, I went over to talk to a 20 something year’s old guy watching American movie which dove in Khmer. They kindly pull a chair for me and ask to watch with them. So I did for a little bit. My cousin asked them to upload some songs for him. I figure maybe their job is to sale songs? My guess was right. They would let my cousin listen to different songs to pick from for his cell phone in the front the open busy street. Most of the song that were played, I wanted as well. So I suggested that I buy some songs from them and upload it to my usb. It works! I end up with 20 old Khmer songs for $1.50. I felt I made a bargain and at the same time, I helped someone out. Normally, I don’t think this way but being here makes me think differently from my normal way of thinking about buying and spending.