Whiteness is Beauty:

Wednesday: October 21

Everywhere I go, I try to fit in or at least understand one’s culture. From my Peace Corps experience, I learned that in order to be accepted into a community one must be willing to become as part of the community. In other words, dress, eat and talk like the new society. However, there are certain things that one cannot fully change and that are how they look.

Ever since I arrived I been fighting with the beauty of whiteness. To be honest, I am starting to slowly influence by this idea of whiteness being define as a beauty. When people see my photo album, they would comments on how pretty my sister is or how tall she is. What I mean is how white she is. The whiter you are the beautiful you appear. They would comments on how I look pretty in pictures but not in real person. They always say negative stuff about my beauty. For example, when my relative meets me for the first time they said, “Wow! Why are you so dark? Or why are you so short?”

As the oldest out of four younger siblings, I am the smallest and shortest. I thinks it has to do with the fact that I was born and raised in a refugee camps where malnutrition is normal. Going back to whiteness, I am the darkest as well in my family. So everyone feel sorry for me for my dark skin and for my shortness.
I started to feel sorry for myself as well. It is such a powerful impact when the behavior of the new society is appearing to be normal or accepting. So I also try to buy white cream and go to spas that whiten my face at least once a week. Before I used to not care of what people think but every person by far is shock of my golden brown skin and comments on how I need a makeover! In regards to my body there is no way I would turn my whole body to white. Everyone here who has money would go to the spa at least three times a week to whiten their whole body like Michael Jackson. I just want my face to be even color.

When it comes to beauty everyone is honest, only if your dark skin. I had to ask my fiancé to tell my relative to not make me white. They truly want me to be white and were willing to take me to the spa and turn me white. Am I that of a bad looking? Is my skin really that ugly? My darkness when in the state appears to be a beauty but here is ugliness. As much as I tell myself is just a culture thing it still impact my thoughts and wishful thinking.

The girls or women here want to be light as Chinese, Korean and Thai actress they see on T.V. These countries have a big influence on how girls and women should look like. Surprisingly, American is not as a big impact as I would think. They watch Chinese, Korean and Thai movie a lot. They want to look like these movies starts with their skinny bone body and peal as a ghost skin color. They are whiter than most American. Therefore, these countries appear to be beautiful and wealthy. In Cambodia the different ethnic Asian group gets treated differently depends on their country. China gets the most respect and considers being very beautiful people. Dispute the conflict with Thai and Cambodia, Thai actress consider being beautiful and admirable as well. No words on wanting to be like American or western country yet.

Besides becoming white, the women here are very skinny body build. They like to keep thin and slim. They don’t like to be tone or appear with muscle because it shows that they are to manly. They want to keep as tiny as possible. I’m not used to being a large or X-large size. In the state I am a small or extra-small size. I am 4’10 and ½ on a good day and 105 pound. In Cambodian standard I am overweight. So this really messes up my whole self-esteem. Now I am considering being overweight since the norm here are very skinny and tiny to American standard. Now,I would go to the store and ask for a large size pants or shirt. It is a strange feeling since I have always been a size small. All suddenly over night, I am a large or X-large! I’m not use to this new idea. So I started to think that I am fat and would eat less rice more veggies and fishes. In a way it is good and healthy diet. However, if I am in the state, people would think I’m skinny and need to eat more. In other words, I am having a hard time adjusting to this new idea of beauty physically in Cambodia.